Fuck Brunch. Eat BBQ.
David Chang Hi-jacked My Mantra
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David Chang is on my culinary Mt. Rushmore. My version of this isn’t to identify who belongs on the culinary Mt. Rushmore in a universal sense, it’s more personal influence and adoration. Although, Chang would probably be on the actual share culinary Mt. Rushmore because he almost singlehandedly changed how we eat in America. That’s not hyperbole. The only reason you - yes you, specifically you reading this (most likely) - eat at ramen shops or keep kimchi in your fridge is because of David Chang. Being ignorant to this doesn’t make it not true. Obviously I’m applying this to mostly white people and I hate addressing white people as a whole and I’m not here to say “Hey white people we need to talk” because that’s dumb, but I think you know what I’m getting at, no other way to put it.
Rounding out the other three on my culinary Mt. Rushmore are Bourdain, Batali, and Ina Garten - a dead guy, a basically dead guy, and an insanely rich Democrat that lives in the Hamptons. Funny enough, I probably have the most in common with Chang - we are both obsessed with food, Tokyo, aren’t really that great of cooks relative to the good ones (INA), and neither of us have sexually assaulted anyone.
But goddammit David Chang, you stole my fucking mantra. Sort of.
I support the statement. And I might say that I like Dim Sum better than Barbecue. But where is the respect for my mother fucking intellectual property Chang.
Has he ever heard of me? No.
Does that matter? Yes.
Will this hold up in court? No
But that’s besides the point right? This is just big culinary taking from indie culinary. That’s it. I’m taking his Momofuku cookbook and just straight up opening a restaurant with the exact recipes and names and even calling it Momofuku.
Ok the fake outrage has gone on long enough in this post. David Chang is a hero and always will be. More important is that we get to the heart of this Instagram post…
Fuck Brunch
Y’alls obsession with brunch is 10 times more infuriating that the Air Fryer psychos. You don’t love brunch. You love posting pictures of brunch and getting hammered before noon on a weekend. If you loved brunch food, there is nothing stopping you from eating it all the fucking time. But you don’t do you? You know what Americans actually love? Fucking cheeseburgers. The proof is in the numbers. Not waffles with fried chicken and syrup or avocado toast or whatever the fuck it is you eat a brunch.
The lines people wait in to eat brunch are truly insane for the end product. Show me a pic of the line at a World Class BBQ join in Austin on a weekend and a brunch line of people waiting for scrambled eggs and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference except that the people waiting for bbq are probably cool as shit and the people waiting for brunch are either bachelorette parties, wearing huge hats, posing for pictures in front of a mural, or just general run of the mill losers and assholes that live in high rise condos and will only go to bars that have bocci ball, cornhole, or arcade games. Jesus Christ can’t anyone just sit and drink a cold beer anymore and have a fucking conversation. Everything is a goddamn event now with a costume and a theme.
Ok keep going to the themed bars in your Santa suit but please just skips the $25 eggs and biscuits that don’t come close to touching what a decent human that gives a shit could make at home for $2 per serving. It’s not hard people, get some White Lily Flour, some really cold, good butter and buttermilk and get to work. Standing outside of a biscuit restaurant for 2 hours is the biggest waste of energy and money on earth only second to the United States Congress. Waiting in line 2 hours for bbq at least somewhat makes sense logistically. It would take you 18 hours or more to get a similar product to what Aaron Franklin will sell you. Not the case with biscuits you fucking gullible mimosa guzzling simpletons.
So yes David Chang, FUCK BRUNCH. Eat Dim Sum, BBQ, Ramen, Cheeseburgers, Hot Chicken, Sushi, Italian Beef Sandwiches, Fucking Corn Dogs…anything but Brunch.
It’s time to grow up America. Brunch is for babies with no taste buds. Drunk babies. With too much time and money and probably Range Rovers.
Fuck Brunch.